I hate having to lie to people, I don’t mean saying “fine” when someone asks you how you are. I mean outright blatant lies. I returned to work today after being off for almost a month. Thankfully my GP was kind enough to sign me off for work while I spend some time with friends and generally felt strong enough to venture back to the real world. There was lots of anxiety and lots of saying “I’m fine”.
Most of the therapy sessions I’ve done so far (there have been five each lasting 30 mins) have focused on lying of sorts. More so pretending to be someone I’m not than telling outright lies. Whether that’s the young professional who never makes a mistake in work, or the overtly confident guy – who ends up getting wasted on a night out because I’m so insecure.
Identifying these insecurities is going to be the crux of the problem I think. Are they physical – sure, who wouldn’t like to be thinner, fitter, stronger? Are they emotional – I guess so, but I don’t have the vocabulary to describe these or even allude to them. Are they around my identity – almost definitely, but I’m miles away from even understanding what that might mean.
And once I identify them, I’m guessing I’ll need to figure out where they came from, what caused or causes them. And then to come up with some strategies to deal with them so I don’t end up seeing only black again. I think this is going to be a long road folks.
I’m doing my psychotherapy with MyMind.org – they’re cheaper than most places and have student/unemployed rates. If you feel you need to talk to someone look them up and drop them a mail or a call. Actually you probably won’t reply to their reply (if you’re anything like me) so forget the mail and call them.
What I’m already starting to realise is a lot of the emotions and thoughts going through my head over the past few years aren’t what everyone experiences. Feeling so anxious on a Monday morning that your chest is tight and your breathing is panicked on the drive to work isn’t just because I’ve had a long weekend. Although getting pissed for 3 nights in a row clearly doesn’t help. Feeling so detached that you need to drink a bottle of wine before going to meet friends or new people so you have the ability to be chatty isn’t what everyone feels like.
Alcohol clearly has played a role in my attempted suicide, but I’m sure it’s a symptom not a cause. Would I’ve have tried if I didn’t drink – probably not, but would I be addressing the issues had I not tried – definitely not. Trust me I’m not recommending it – read my last post to realise that. And I won’t be drinking for a while either!
I’ve not realised much else yet other than I’m still hopeful. I clearly have an underlying part of myself that made being of this world too difficult to bear. And if I don’t deal with it head on now we’re going to meet again.
I’m meeting my parents over the weekend. They’re in their 60s and both tend to worry a lot so I won’t be telling them what happened. But I will be telling them I’m going through some stuff that I need to see a therapist for, not that I know what that stuff is yet but just to let them know. I will probably never tell the whole truth to anyone but I’m certainly going to focus on not lying to those who care about me. I’ll post again after the weekend.